Comeback
How do I end this unplanned, self-imposed hiatus from my blog?
What exactly happened? Was it a bit of depression? Have I really been that busy - just as I have been constantly over the years of my blogging life - that I had trouble finding time to set out my thoughts? Am I at a standstill as to what direction I want to move with my blog? (Well, that latter has been a constant theme.)
The answer, I think, is all that.
I have made some real friends through my blogging. That is deeply appreciated. I miss the interaction when I'm not blogging. I appreciate those who check in on me when I'm not active on my blog. But sometimes I just have trouble getting going. Or maybe I sense a struggle to motivate myself to go on - with the blog, I mean, not with life.
Maybe I should do more posts on my life in general. You know, short, chatty little "letters from home" type of things. At least that way those of you who are curious would know what is going on with me. Maybe that should be my new blog format. (My fear is that it would bore you guys to tears.)
Believe me, I grope myself much, much more than I grope the elephant of life per se. But in a sense, I guess, to do one is to do the other. Can anyone be truly objective? We all put on our own unique spin on everything we experience.
I mentioned depression earlier. The changing of the seasons, especially from summer to autumn always brings a time of deep introspection for me. It starts well enough but always it seems tends toward melancholy. It really isn't deep enough into the season for that yet.
So I think it is just my life in general that has me down. It isn't going the direction I would like. I've lived by myself for a long time now, with no prospect of that changing. Somehow, for some reason I'm not really sure of, this is getting harder for me. Or maybe I should say it is becoming less pleasing to be alone all the time. Sometimes I'm glad I'm alone, though. So which is it? Depends on when you ask me.
The pressures of my job are beginning to take a real emotional toll on me. This modern trend of trying to get more and more done with fewer and fewer resources (read: aging, ill-maintained equipment and less people power), leads to a constant state of missed deadlines, unplanned overtime, and overall unsteadiness. I used to love my job, but now it is really getting to be a dreaded chore. That's not good. The contrast between my work life and my personal life is becoming too stark. Hopefully this will change if times get better and corporate purse strings loosen a bit, allowing for more help.
There is one more factor I should probably mention. I'm going through - and have been going through for some time now - a period of personal reassessment. In a sense I'm taking another look at my life. For some reason, especially in recent months, my mind has been flooded with vivid memories of things long forgotten. In some of my quieter moment, without warning, I will suddenly be seized with recollections of things long past. These are nothing less than vivid flashbacks. I recall thoughts I think I must have suppressed thinking about over the years. Some of these memories are quite painful and troubling. Yet I have to deal with them. They are a part of who I am. If I don't make peace with them, come to understand them, it can only continue my mental unrest. I think I've been seeing that with the explosion of dream activity that has troubled me for some time now. My mind has never been totally at ease and I suspect it never shall be.
Maybe I'm beginning to lose my grip on sanity. I've come to wonder about that. I don't know what that would look like from the inside. And I'm not at all certain I know what insanity looks like from the outside except maybe in extreme cases. Yet I suspect I'm just as sane as you or the next person. Maybe I'm just spending too much time alone, with my thoughts being centered within. Yet when I make the effort to go out and mingle I find myself longing for my time alone.
Anyway, so now for those who have wondered, this is where I've been and what I've been up to. I think I am ready to start blogging again and to make the journey more personal than ever before. Everyone seems to have a secret self. A self so personal and sacred that it is hard to draw out or allow to be drawn by others. I've seen glimpses of such in others in their less guarded moments. I'm aware of mine and aware of the efforts I make to keep mine hidden.
This isn't to say I'm willing to lay my secret self totally bare before all of you. Some things will always remain hidden in the shadows. Despite my best efforts some of those aspects of my secret self are hidden from me. But perhaps in sharing some of the things I'm willing to share my readers might get a glimpse of something of their own hidden selves. Maybe at least some of you will be encouraged to look deeper within. Maybe some of us have trod the same or similar pathways.
If this latest experiment with my blog fails, I guess then it will be time for me call it quits and do something else.
Bella And Scooby
The above picture is one my ladyfriend took with her cell phone and then she sent it to me a while back. It's a picture of her wiener dog Bella and Bella's companion, Scooby.
I've written from time to time about my sweet little Bella, but Scooby is a recent addition and her entrance came about in this way. My ladyfriend's son and daughter-in-law had gotten Scooby as a puppy for their young son. Scooby is a mix of wiener dog and Chihuahua. He has a wiener dog-like body and tail, but his snoot is somewhat shorter, has the longer Chihuahua legs, but his ears are more similar to a wiener dog except not quite as hound dog long and floppy. In short he is cute as a bug's ear and sweet to boot. Bella is black and tan; Scooby, chocolate and tan. Unfortunately my ladyfriend's son and daughter-in-law separated. My ladyfriend took on Scooby, who had always had a delightful relationship with Bella anyway. And now they are inseparable.
What a difference Scooby made in Bella's life! Now it is no longer a problem leaving home without her. She has Scooby. They eat, play, sleep, just do everything together. Bella has been "fixed" so there is no hanky-panky, but they are quite affectionate with each other. Bella is a licker (Scooby, a nuzzler) and she "kisses" Scooby constantly and cleans his ears often. They are so cute together. Plus, they seem genuinely content with each other's company.
Now about the picture. I look at it often and it gives me a warm feeling. The two of them side-by-side staring out at the world they face together. (A dog's life and challenges, of course, are quite different from a human's, especially with dogs as spoiled as those two are!)
It represents an ideal that was instilled in me from my earliest days: you go through life with a mate. Okay, within the narrow confines of my childhood religion, with someone of the opposite sex. But I'm not so narrow of mind as an adult. Still there is that emotional pull for finding that soul-mate or significant other. You know.
Honestly, I can see me sitting on the front porch side-by-side with the person I love. (Of course I can also see me coming into a large sum of money and retiring to live out the rest of my years in ease!) I'm just not cut out to be a player or a polyamorist. So I have that ideal.
As for my ladyfriend, there is no real chance we can ever be more than the close friends we are. She raised her three sons (who are now grown) mostly by herself and their lives are so intertwined that there is no place for me in that tight circle. Plus her aging mother is becoming ever more dependent on her. I'm something of an outsider who waits for the rare (increasingly rare, I might add) occasion that she and I can be together for a little while (but we talk on the phone every single day).
This isn't a perfect state of affairs, but I've been in worse. It certainly falls well short of that ideal, that Bella and Scooby charmed dog's life. Most of the time I sit on my porch alone and look out on the world by myself. Freedom has its advantages, but occasional pangs of loneliness can distort that at times. Besides, we have to be careful, I think, about that "way things are supposed to be" type of thinking.
But I love that picture!
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